Book Review: What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew by Sharon Saline

I should probably start off by explaining why I read this book. Neither of my children have ADHD. Neither has a diagnosis, nor have I ever suspected that either one should. In fact, reading this book, I was more sure than ever that my children do not have ADHD. That said, humans are unique. Kids brains develop in different ways; we all have our own struggles and tasks that might be easy for one kid are harder for another. Neurodiversity is a spectrum.

I picked this book up because it was recommended to me by a friend and fellow parent. She’s a teacher who has a child the same age and in school with mine and we were discussing some of the struggles we dealt with as parents of kids who might need more help in certain areas. Her kid also doesn’t have ADHD and she was not suggesting that mine does but recommended this book as having some helpful tools.

Though my kid doesn’t have ADHD, I did find there to be some overlap with ADHD in some of the ways she was struggling at home and at school. This book offers a lot of stories from parents and kids in their own words and I found some familiarity there. Right before I started reading this book, I attended a workshop on Executive Function that our school was offering. “Executive Function” is kind of a buzzword in the education system these days and not one I was familiar with before I heard it there. Basically, it refers to our ability to navigate tasks, organize our thoughts, make plans, and control our emotions. It has to do with understanding time, working memory, and staying focused. People with ADHD tend to struggle more with executive function but those struggles aren’t exclusive to the neurodiverse. Whether we know it or not, we all have developed ways of succeeding at this and managing our own areas of difficulty. Kids are still developing these skills and the age at which they do so can vary quite widely. We can probably all think of adults we’ve encountered that lack strong executive function – I see this in my job a lot since I work with the general public and Peter and I often talk about how these interactions help us know the kind of adults we want to raise.

At the workshop I attended, the instructor talked about the fact that most people use the tools that their parents did. The habits we set in place for our children are very likely ones they will keep into adulthood, for better or worse. It made me realize that I was already doing a lot of these things to help my kids but hadn’t labelled it as such. For example, when getting ready for school was a struggle and I was feeling frustrated that despite doing the same thing everyday, my kids seemed to forget what they were supposed to do, I made a list of their morning tasks. So rather than me continuously telling them (ie: nagging them and getting frustrated) what to do, I could point to the list and ask if it was complete. I started this when they were too young to read and drew pictures to correspond. This isn’t that far off from the way I write myself a To Do list every morning to make sure I complete the tasks I need to do.

I hadn’t thought much about emotional regulation as part of executive function but reading this book helped me to reframe some of those meltdowns we’ve dealt with. It can be helpful as a parent to understand what is developmentally appropriate for your child. What you might initially view as disobedience is actually something your kid’s brain can’t quite do yet. And comparing to others their same age doesn’t mean they have the same ability to self-regulate. The instructor at the workshop also pointed out that sometimes when our children ask us for help they are actually seeking connection. Sure, they know how to tie their shoes themselves so it’s easy to feel frustrated when you’re rushing out the door and they ask you to do it. But what they really want is for you to pause and take a moment to be close to them.

While there were definitely parts of this book I skimmed over (medications and therapy suggestions in particular), I appreciated that there were a lot of solid recommendations and ideas of how to help my kid function in environments not always created for her and her brain. She will grow and develop and learn these strategies but while that is still happening, it’s my job to set some of those good habits in place. What might work for my brain, doesn’t necessarily work for hers. It’s helpful to hear from a trained professional as to what make work for someone whose brain is wired a little differently, or just someone whose brain is still developing.