I really don’t know how to write this post. I suspect I wouldn’t except for having already shared here about my pregnancy.
I was pregnant and now I’m not.
Last week, only a couple of days before I would have reached sixteen weeks, our baby died. We don’t know why. We may yet get some answers and we may never know. I had three ultrasounds (plus 2 in the ER), including one just last Monday in which our baby was moving and healthy and everything looked fine. I saw that heart beat.
Our baby was wanted and loved every day of his existence and I hope he felt that. I don’t know why God creates life and lets it die. I believe God loves me and I believe he loves my little one but this doesn’t feel like love and it’s hard to understand.
Psalm 23 was on my mind a lot while I was in the hospital.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
This doesn’t feel like goodness and mercy. I feel lost in the valley of death and the profound unfairness of having my baby taken away. I want to believe that God will restore my soul because it feels pretty shattered these days. It will be a big job.
I am so thankful for my husband and for our girl. I’m so thankful that I don’t have to walk through this valley alone and I’m thankful every moment I get to be Pearl’s mum.