I received an Advance Reading Copy of this book thanks to the publisher. All opinions are my own. Available through Greenleaf Book Group Press 13 April 2026.
Elly Sparrow didn’t plan on having four children or that her life would be narrowed down to simply being their mother. But somewhere along the way, her life has become very small. On the surface, everything looks perfect. Her husband is a succesful lawyer, her children are healthy, her home is clean and tidy. But Elly is increasingly unhappy and her marriage is falling apart. Her husband, Dan, seems bored of her, uninterested in anything she has to say and she feels detached from the world around her. When Dan moves out, Elly must figure out what her life is actually about and who she is.
Rules for Mothers is set in Portland, Oregon in the 1980s, a setting that worked well for the kind of story that Swendsen Young was telling. Divorce is still uncommon but not unheard of. Likewise with women in the workforce. Elly hasn’t worked in years but did have a job before having children and is able to use some of those previous connections to navigate her previous life, though Dan remains the primary breadwinner. This negated any tension that might have come from Elly having to support herself as a single mother.
Dan isn’t necessarily a bad guy though he comes off as a disinterested husband and father. He speaks disparagingly to Elly when they are still together and he doesn’t seem particularly introspective, though we do learn more about his background as the story progresses. He works hard, aiming to be made partner of a law firm, and sees this as enough in his familial role. An attitude that was probably pretty prevalent in the 1980s.
Elly loves her children but is also overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to balance those two things. An attitude that was probably pretty prevalent in the 1980s and still is today. For all the progress we’ve made in the past 40+ years, I still don’t know a mother of young children who feels confident in that balance of self and motherhood.
I think there’s an interesting story being told here and it’s all the more interesting for how familiar it is. Where Rules for Mothers fell flat for me was that I wanted to feel more tension. I guess I wanted to worry about Elly and her children but things often seemed to work out more easily than I would have expected. She stays in their family home while Dan is the one to move out, she is able to find childcare and get a job. She and Dan argue about how to divide their parenting time but that seemed inevitable to me. I have to admit that I’m also listing to Nesting by Roisin O’Donnell, another story of a woman whose marriage is in the process of ending, and it was hard not to compare the two. Nesting has almost too much tension for me but every time I picked Rules for Mothers back up, Elly’s problems didn’t seem so bad.
The ultimate climax of the book does go in an unexpected direction and I appreciated that Swendsen Young took it there, but I would have liked to stay in that situation a little longer, learn more about what Elly was experiencing there. The jump to something bigger happening to her (I don’t want to give it away) felt like a big one and then the story wrapped up a little too quickly.
Karissa Reads Books 
Hmm it’s an interesting thing to consider – how have gender roles changed since the 80s? Likely not in any huge way, but I think you’re right in that more is expected of Dads now, and women in the workforce as mothers is much more common, which I am grateful for. I wonder where that means we will be in the 2060s???
After reading this book, I would actually say I think there is more societal pressure on mothers and fathers. Here, her husband is seen as a good father simply for financially providing and she is a good mother for staying home and caring for the kids. But now both parents are generally expected/need to work but also be active and involved parents. And, in many ways, more involved than parents in the 80s were. I don’t know…this week I’ve really felt the pressure of parenting in the 21st century. I don’t think parents in the 80s necessarily had it easy but there are a lot of things we’re having to deal with now that they didn’t. I often wonder motherhood will look like when my own daughters are adults.
yes I see what you mean. Navigating social media is a big change we now have to deal with. A scary one too…
Exactly! It feels like there’s a lot of uncharted territory when it comes to parenting today. But maybe every generation of parents feels like that…
I’m sure they do. Could you imagine the terror that would have come with the television? LOL
That’s a good thought! I do hear a lot less fear around TV than I used to as a kid!
It is an interesting question! In recent years I have noticed more of my male colleagues dropping to part-time/compressed hours so that they can take a more active role in their families, and/or taking a longer stretch of parental leave to share responsibilities with their wives. I think it’s partly culture at this workplace (a couple of men in senior roles have done it, thus making it easier for junior staff), but maybe reflective of a wider cultural shift.
Fathers taking parental leave is much more common now here too and it’s so great to see. (Helps that Canada makes it a lot easier too.) I wish my husband had taken more leave when we had our kids but even a decade ago I feel like it was a bit less common. You’re right about culture shifts within a workplace making that a lot easier. I do think there are higher expectations placed on both mothers and fathers now, for better or worse.
I feel rather positive a lot of women feel lost in their identity, which I read about recently in that Benedict Cumberbatch book I reviewed. I also see social media profiles that say things like, “Mama, Wife, Lawyer.” Like….why is lawyer last?? ESPECIALLY after “wife”?? Your review reminds me of a book I read in 202 that pops in my mind every so often. It’s called The Divorce Papers by Susan Rieger. I think it was the first book my mom and I read during COVID when we started our two-person book club. In contrast is Separation Anxiety by Laura Zigman in which a woman is thinking her marriage is falling apart, so she finds an old baby sling and carries her dog everywhere. I was embarrassed for the author when I read that one…
I think that is very true! It’s not something that just happens to mothers but does seem like society can really push on women when they become mothers. Like, strangers will start calling you “mama” when they see you with a baby! That’s a total pet peeve of mine.
I just….in general loathe the word “mama.”
That’s fair. I don’t mind it but there are exactly 2 people who get to call me mama, mum, mummy, whatever. I do not want to hear it from anyone else!
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