El Bachelore – Episode 5

Like I’ve said previously, I knew nothing about our Bachelor going into this season. Five episodes in, I’m ready to form my opinion. I don’t like him. Let’s delve into why.

We’re in Vietnam and there are eleven ladies left.

“This is, like, nature! It’s water, trees, sun!” – Clare describes Vietnam. And what nature is

One-on-One Date #1: Renee

“He kind of makes my hands hurt a little bit.” – Renee

Is that a thing? That happens to people when they’re happy? That’s a thing that happens to me when I’m dehydrated. It is hot in Vietnam; maybe you’re dehydrated, Renee.

“I can’t wait to make her enjoy the day.” – Juan Pablo re: his date with Renee.

It’s early in the episode, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Surely, that’s a language slip-up and he doesn’t actually think he can force her to enjoy anything.

Then Juan Pablo takes a pedi-cap and gives Renee a ride and this actually made me really mad. I hope they paid the owner of that pedi-cab so so well because that is his livelihood right now and they’re playing with it like it’s a toy. I haven’t been to Vietnam but I’ve seen pedi-cab drivers in Asia and they work hard and don’t get paid much and it’s not a joke. However, I can only blame Juan Pablo so much; some producer probably warrants most of the blame behind this dumb idea.

Juan Pablo and Renee go into a dress shop so that Renee can get measured for a Vietnamese-style dress. Kind of cute. Until Renee is getting her bust measured and Juan Pablo leans in and then says the measurement out loud. Sorry, I couldn’t help those italics. I would be totally humiliated if someone, anyone, did that to me on camera. Renee’s bust measurements are between her and the lady with the measuring tape.

“That is so cute.” – Juan Pablo, upon seeing Renee in her new dress.

He’s uses cute a lot and it’s not really the right compliment. If I have a fancy new dress on and I’m trying to impress a guy, I don’t want to be told I’m cute. I want to be told I’m beautiful. But, again, maybe a language thing.

Over dinner they talk about their kids and they’re the same age (32) and seem like they have some stuff in common. Renee says she’s hot and then Juan Pablo blows in her face. Gross.

Throughout the episode, we see Renee discuss how much she wants to kiss Juan Pablo but there’s no kiss. Juan Pablo has decided that he won’t kiss her because she has a son. (Never mind that Cassandra also has a son and he has kissed her. This guy is so inconsistent.)Why on earth can’t he talk to her about this? Why is it his decision whether they kiss or not?

She does get the rose.

“I see her and I see myself.” – Juan Pablo re: Renee. I think that’s supposed to mean they have a lot in common but it does sound narcissistic, right?

Group Date: Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Clare, Kelly, Andi, Alli, Danielle, Cassandra

“Today we’re going to do really traditional Vietnamese things on our group date.” – Juan Pablo

I bet you’re not.

They partner up and get into these round basket boats. Clare doesn’t have any friends so she partners with Juan Pablo.

“The first time in anyone’s life that having no friends is an advantage.” – Kelly

“There’s no bottom.” – Clare, as she rows on the river. I really don’t want to be mean but she just doesn’t seem that smart.

Clare and Juan Pablo continue to have a romantic time together while eight other women watch. They kiss where everyone can see them even though Sean told you not to do that, Juan Pablo!

“My date has been with Alli. Juan Pablo has been around my date.” – Chelsie

Then we see Juan Pablo and the Ladies walking along a road and Juan Pablo stops and asks a man if they can have food. Oh, wow, so spontaneous and totally unplanned! Juan Pablo and the Ladies put on hats and see how the farm works and do what looks like a very minimal amount of work.

“We should have this back in America.” – Cassandra re: farms? You think you should have farms in America, Cassandra?

Andi is not wearing her hat.

She expresses some of her doubts to Juan Pablo about how she’s only been on group dates so far and he reminds her that she once got a rose so she should be happy. Not to armchair psychologist all over this, but that sounds like abuser talk to me. “Don’t be upset, I once, several weeks ago, did one tiny nice thing for you.”

“We’re going to have a real meal here!” – Chelsie, as they sit down at the table. Why this surprises her, I have no idea. Chelsie is so clearly not going to “win” this thing that I’m glad she’s at least being amazed by everything.

“I’m just going to be Clare.” – Clare, regarding her strategy for dealing with the fact that the other girls don’t like her.

Notice how people only say that when people don’t like them? Aren’t you bothered that no one likes you? Wouldn’t you at least pause to evaluate your own behaviour?

Conversely, this is something Peter and I say to each other when one of us recognizes we’re being annoying. Actually, we say, “Just Blaze being Blaze” which is a reference to the hilarious Bachelor spoof, “Burning Love.” Basically, it’s short hand in our house for, “I know I’m being ridiculous.”

The group date transitions into the evening and Juan Pablo pulls Clare aside for the first alone time because, you know, they haven’t spent most of the day together already.

“Should we just take the rose down there and give it her.” – Kelly. Kelly’s great. She clearly has no interest in Juan Pablo and is having a great time travelling the world. Kelly’s a champ.

“She has to love me.” – Juan Pablo’s response when he’s asked what he looks for in a woman.

Right there. I think that’s the moment when I fully recognized what a tool this guy is.Really, buddy? That’s your number one requirement in a wife?

Juan Pablo and Clare go back to his suite and go swimming. Yes, while the group date is still going on. They must have been gone for so long! That’s so incredibly awkward!

“I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.” – Sharleen

That is a delightfully odd analogy. Is it because she’s part-Asian?

Juan Pablo kisses Andi but, no surprises, Clare gets the rose.

“I can’t control a lot in this situation.” – Andi

And that is a sign that you are in a terrible situation.

And now…the drama.

After the group date ends, Clare sneaks back to Juan Pablo’s suite to go swimming with him. Apparently, swimming in the warm ocean has always been a dream of hers but she’s from California so that’s really a dream she could have fulfilled in an afternoon while back home.

Clare proposes a swim in the ocean and Juan Pablo immediately responds positively and grabs his swimsuit. We see them in the ocean, there’s a lot of making out.

“We just went for it…pure bliss. In every way.” – Clare

So, yeah, there’s some sexual innuendo and it’s hard to say what really happens but Clare is over the moon and compares her feelings to a baby giraffe.

The next morning we hear Juan Pablo talking about Clare and he seems pretty into her.

“She’s sexy. She’s got something I like.” – Juan Pablo says of Clare.

End of Drama, part one.

One-on-One Date #2: Nikki

Nikki and Juan Pablo rappel into a hole in the ground, at the bottom of which is, supposedly, the gate to hell. Fun Date!

Nikki is afraid of heights and doesn’t want to do it and it seems like Nikki never likes anything.

“Should someone call my mom and tell her I love her?” – Nikki

I did like Nikki better in this episode than the last one, though she doesn’t strike me as someone I’d particularly want to hang out with.

Why does Juan Pablo have a backpack while they rappel? What does he need to carry?

Also, it is never explained how they get out of the hell cave.

“I think I’m super compassionate. I think I have a huge heart.” – Nikki, explaining herself to Juan Pablo over dinner.

Who talks that way about themselves? I hope I’m compassionate but I don’t believe I always am.

“She cares a lot about people and that’s too attractive to me.” – Juan Pablo re: Nikki

What does that mean? Regardless, Nikki gets the rose so I guess that’s a good thing.

Rose Ceremony

Drama, part two.

Basically, Juan Pablo regrets his behaviour with Clare, whatever that behaviour may have actually involved. Instead of owning his side of what happened, he seems to blame Clare.

“I’m too fair.” – Juan Pablo tells Clare, which is only true if he’s talking about his hair colour.

“What happened, happened.” – he says, which is certainly not what she wants to hear.

“It’s not about being fair, it’s about your heart.” – Clare responds, and I kind of agree with her, at least, if this were real life.

But then Juan Pablo brings up his daughter and how she shouldn’t see what he did, which she shouldn’t because she’s four and there’s no situation in which a four-year-old should watch The Bachelor. But why shouldn’t his daughter see him swim in the ocean with a woman? That seems to make it clear that a lot more went on that night than just swimming.

Clare starts to cry because she feels Juan Pablo is saying she disrespected him and his daughter.

“Look at me and listen to me and don’t cry anymore.” – Juan Pablo says to Clare

You have to be a certain kind of jerk to ever tell anyone not to cry. If they are upset and they are crying, saying, “Don’t cry”, is not even remotely helpful.

“It’s not okay, otherwise you wouldn’t have brought it up to me.” – Clare

Good point.

“Stop crying or I’m not going to tell you anything.” – Juan Pablo to Clare.

Right there. He is trying to control her emotions. If he’s doing that now, with the cameras on, what is he going to do in a year when she gets upset?

“There was no miscommunication, there was no misunderstanding.” – Clare tells the camera. This is true. Juan Pablo did not hesitate to go with her. He is, after the fact, trying to make this out to be her fault.

Clare goes off to cry alone and Juan Pablo follows her and then he asks,

“What happened?”

This guy is making me so mad.

She’s crying and he just keeps telling her, “Look at me.” Until finally he says, “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

“If he didn’t think it was right he shouldn’t have done it. I would have respected that.” – Clare. That’s the bottom line, really. He’s allowed to regret it. He’s allowed to express that to her. But he’s not allowed to act like she is the only one to blame.

The actual rose ceremony is pretty non-dramatic. Kelly, Alli, and Danielle go home, which is not at all surprising. Juan Pablo cries but I strongly dislike him now so I don’t care.

Next week: New Zealand. I don’t know if I can watch this…

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